Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Art of Seduction

So you want to get into my pants. I don't blame you. But how do you go about it, you ask?

Well, I opened up an email not long ago. It was from a friend who forwarded an email of a forwarded email of a forwarded email... you know the kind. Really, if you want me to read something that bad, make an effort and copy/paste the thing.

Anyway, after scrolling down for 45 minutes to get to the point of this email (my second mistake.. first one being opening the email to begin with), I get to one of these astrological things that spit out random shit that tell you what you want to hear. Sure, some of it makes sense... but only because it speaks in so many generalities that it will make sense for anyone!

Below is what I found after I clicked the link in the email. What I found was some crap about ...blah blah... I can't even tell you for sure what it said. Anyway, something else caught my eye as I was about to punch my monitor. It was titled "How to Seduce an Aquarius Man – Relationship Tips For Women." Interesting. "I'm an Aquarius Man", I thought. "Let's see what the brilliant people of the internet are telling women to do!"

So, I figured I would break it down and let all of you know what I think... and just how accurate these things are. If women are going to be following tips on how to seduce me, I'd like to know what I'm in for.

You'll find the entire entry, with my own thoughts added (in parenthesis).

Here.. We.. Go..

The Aquarius man is unconventional and unpredictable (I suppose). He’s a free spirit who values his independence and always wants to learn about new thing (Who doesn't?). This man will drop everything to help a friend, or even a stranger, but will run at the first sign of a clingy woman (The first part? true. Second part... clingy isn't always bad. There are different types of clingy) . Highly intelligent (hur dur), the Aquarius guy will see through any games that you might play, so there is no point in even trying to play games with him (This depends on the type of game.. amiright?). You’ re also not going to impress him with physical flattery or fancy clothes, because this man isn’t concerned with appearance beyond you being clean and fairly attractive (Most accurate thing so far).

So how do you seduce an Aquarian? First, you have to be yourself (Okay, good start). If you are spending your time with him trying to be someone you are not, he will see that as a lying game (I think this applies to almost everyone, but ok). Aquarians cannot stand liars and he will be gone before you get another chance (1- I'm not aware of anyone who enjoys liars. 2- There are different types of lies. 2nd chances aren't out of the question). An Aquarius male is easy-going and he will love to be your friend, so make sure that you avoid dropping bombshells about marriage or long-term commitments too soon or he’ll think you are pushing for more than he can give (Again, I think this applies to most everyone. We're fading fast here, astrology people...). This is a man you definitely will have to be friends with long before you can hope for anything else (-See last thought. Also.. "friends with", yes. "Long before"? Depends).

The best way to seduce an Aquarius man, other than not playing games and making sure not to tie him down too much, is to be a good communicator (Yes, I am certainly not one of those guys specifically looking for a poor communicator. AstroLOLgy). Aquarians love to talk and they will talk about anything (True. I like cheese!). Nothing is taboo to them, though they are thoughtful enough to avoid subjects that might be painful (True). The biggest turn on with an Aquarius man is your mind (Especially if your mind has huge knockers. I KID, I KID! :) ). He will be mainly concerned with your thoughts and getting to know you as much as possible and the more intellectual you are and the better conversations you two can have, the more he will find you attractive and the easier it is to seduce him (This last line is pretty damn accurate).

So there you have it. Not quite sure how this is a post for the "Aquarius Man." I think it applies to just about any (normal) guy. I mean, unless you're part of The Jersey Shore cast, or a complete moron (I guess those two are pretty much the same...).

I guess these things are set up for the same reasons so many other things are: to give people hope. "Do this, and you'll get this. If it doesn't work, no worries, just give it time!"

And that's fine. Some people need that. Hope is a good thing. But if you're waiting for the moon to be lined up with Saturn in Uranus.. well, whatever.

So, getting into my pants? Be kinda smart, somewhat funny (sense of humor is a must if you're going to deal with me), and have all of your facial features arranged in their proper order on your face. Pretty easy, right? I'm also impressed by anyone who can be around me for more than 15 minutes without wanting to punch me in the throat. You'd be surprised at how difficult it is to find that combination.

As far as the astrology stuff goes...

...what the hell are those people singing about?