Exclusive Kovalchuk Hearing Transcript

Being an insider has its privileges.

One of my sources (who will remain nameless, mostly because I haven't made up a name for him/her yet) has emailed me a full transcript of the Kovalchuk hearing. He/she said it was wrapped up pretty quickly.

Here goes:

Arbitrator: Ok, let's get right to it. Is this contract illegal?

NHL: Ummm, no, not really.

Arbitrator: Ok. How is it different from other recently signed contracts?

NHL: It's not, really.

Arbitrator: Fair enough. So why, exactly, is this contract being rejected?

NHL: Becauuuuuuuse! We don't like it and it's not faiiiir! *foot stomp*

Arbitrator: Anything else?

NHL: SIDNEY CROSBY RULES!

Arbitrator: *eyeroll* Of course he does. Anything from the NHLPA?

NHLPA: Do you validate parking?

Arbitrator: See the secretary on the way out.

NHL: Can we get ice cream??!

Arbitrator: Sure. You're paying. Decision to the Devils and Kovalchuk! Let's go to lunch.

There you have it. Go get your Kovalchuk jersey made. He'll be here for a long time.